On the morning that my brother died I ate Cheerios for breakfast
Choked down coffee in the car
We were out of creamer again.
Sighed at NPR, sang Gwen Stefani at top volume
Sat between impatient cars
Ran through lessons in my head, should I put out the Play-Doh today? Where had I put the forms for picture day? Was that lady from the central office coming in to observe?
I didn’t know that I would long for these thoughts
Beautiful in their normalcy
My stress laid out before me in neat little piles that I could pick up one at a time
Stress I could make lists about
Stress I loved to complain about, fell asleep thinking about
Stress I could hold in my hand.
Now, my heart is sprawled out and messy
Leaving bloody stains wherever I go
Falling through the cracks between my fingers
And leaving my insides numb.
I stare blankly at my calendar
The days and weeks spread like a sentence, there is no panic
At the deadlines
At the endless days.